6/7/08
Twice in my life I have had visions. Dreams if you will. But dreamsso real, so intense that you never forget them. They are not so much about what happens as they are about what I felt. The first one happened in 1991. I had a dream where I experienced true love for the first time. It was the most incredible feeling of self purpose I had ever felt. Weeks later a girl I had known in recent years called out of the blue. Three years later we were married. I now experience that bond of love every day.
The second vision came just lat Friday. It was just as intense. Understand that it cannot be put into words. That is part of the miracle of this vision. Its power transcends words. I will do my best. But it is important that these words are only the barest beginning of the feeling I experienced. Like explaining fireworks to the blind or the subtle nuances of Vivaldi to the deaf, I feel inadequate to express this vision.
First I heard cries from outside the house. That was what made me coming outside in the first place. As I opened the front door, there before me in the distance on the prairie was what looked like a storm, but different. It was orange in color as if the sun were somehow inside the tempest. The wind spun and whirled like a gigantic tornado that spanned the entire western horizon from North to South. As I gaped at this phenomenon stupified, several things washed over me in rapid succession. First, it was clear that there was no escape from this storm. It was just too big. There was no time to mobilize. It was coming too fast! It would devour the house and all of us in minutes, maybe seconds. Already it was growing closer. How could something so enormous move so quickly! Then I tried to be practical and figure out what to do. As if my wife could read my mind, I heard her behind me shouting "Get to a room closest to the center of the house under the stairs." I remember thinking "That might possibly be some help in a tornado. But this is no tornado." Then I thought about the kids. As I rushed inside, I managed to find three of them and get the five of us under the stairs. As I stepped out to look for the fourth, it was too late. The storm was already bearing down on the house. I braced myself for the impact, expecting to see the house torn to shreds before my eyes.
Suddenly, all was silent. The "storm" was gone and I was being lifted upside down into the air, lifted not by the wind, but by something much more intentional. I realized as I was being lifted that life as I knew it was gone forever. There was no going back. There would be no more days, no more nights, no more struggles, no more of anything in this old life. Much like the intense awareness that accompanies a skydiver as he begins to fall knowing that absolutely nothing in the universe can get him back to the perceived safety of that plane, I knew that life was over. Yet strangely there was no remorse. For as these thoughts and many others coursed through my body they added layer after layer of intensity to the experience. As a matter of fact, it was the intensity of the experience that put into perspective just how docile life was even with the events that seemed both tragic and euphoric over the years. High points like our wedding, children's births, graduations and many firsts all seemed like dim shadows compared to what I was feeling right now. It was as if all that was just a precursor.
I thought about my fourth daughter that could not be found, and was immediately comforted. It was as if I knew she was going to be ok.
I thought about the rest of my family. I couldn't see them near me. I was too disoriented rising so quickly upside down. But I was once again immediately comforted.
I thought about how much of my life was spent doing useless things.
Then far in front of me the brightness of day became far more intense. I quickly became aware that I was entering the presence of God. It's not that it was so much something to be seen as it was definitely something to be felt. As I realized this, fear and awe mixed with a supernatural love erupted inside me as I struggled to grasp the reality of coming close to the presence of Almighty God. It was the most narcotic, euphoric, amazing, pure overwhelming feeling possible. It was beyond description, beyond imagination, far beyond words. I felt helpless and unworthy. An overwhelming desire to praise God welled up inside of me. I desperately attempted to sing words of praise to God. It was the only thing I wanted to do. Nothing else in the past mattered. How I got here didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was in the presence of this Creator that was the embodiment of love and power and I needed to praise Him. As I opened my mouth, I could not get the words out. It was as if I was both terrified and incapable of finding words worthy of His majesty.
Quickly I began to be reminded of scripture and it was as if seeing them with eyes for the first time.
"pray without ceasing". Of course! With this Almighty as my Creator loving me with an intensity infinitely greater than any other relationship ever experienced, why would I ever consider not praying continuously? Why would I not commune with Him every possible free waking moment?
"If you have faith the size of a mustard seed…" It was suddenly so clear what Jesus was trying to say. The source of your power is merely to love and recognize the love and power of your beloved creator. He would do anything for you in love, anything. Just ask and trust Him. Trust him like I was trusting Him right now upside down countless miles above my home without any logical explanation for still being alive, yet here I was. It was no wonder so many of my prayers had been answered. They were mere trifles compared to what He could and would have done for me had I asked in love.
"Love your neighbor" It was all becoming so black and white. There is love. And there is everything else. We all have loved each other so little in comparison to what was designed. It makes sense though. Since we don't get to truly experience the love of God in its ultimate purity while we are on this planet, we are left with doing the best we can. But it was still so clear how short we fall of the mark.
I thought of the thousands of martyrs and how God must have given them a glimpse of this vision amidst their trial to sustain them. It was suddenly clear why they had endured so much without denying Christ's love. I would do anything for God at that moment. His love was so worth any mere pain, humiliation or torture mere man could dish out until my body was ruined and I could return to God's presence.
Then slowly, I could feel a gulf developing between us. Afraid of losing Him, I groaned unable to form words. My Savior understood. I felt reassured that this was ok, that I wasn't finished. I was given this gift that I might know how much God truly does love me. I was to take this experience and use it as a benchmark to love others. To understand that anyone who was hating, or lonely, or hurting was just in need of the kind of unconditional love God gives us all for the asking. I could see so clearly that my only purpose in life was to love others and share God's love with them.
As I began to awake, I desperately tried to return to that place but it was no use. I was back in the world I knew all too well. But something was different. Any doubt about God's existence, about his love, about His word, about salvation through Christ was wiped away. Our Father in Heaven was truly preparing a place for us. Now I am left in a temporal world, longing to return to my Savior, longing to do what pleases him, yet stuck in a lifetime of schemas that shape an existence that is a barely recognizable dilution of God's plan. But today is a new day.
