Conflicting Morale

3/25/08

I haven't had more than two weeks off work since I graduated high school 25 years ago. If you have been reading along, you will know that the streak has been broken. It has been three months since I last worked. Sounds like an introduction at a support group, doesn't it? Oftentimes in my career, I have been so exhausted from running to and fro that I begged for a brief respite, a chance to sleep more than six hours without worrying about where I had to be the next morning. Now that I have had that chance, it is like the consuming the little book in Revelation, so sweet going down, but bitter in my belly. The mental game has become an all- consuming task. I wear sloth and procrastination like a coat. Anger is an itch waiting to be scratched just below the surface. Confidence of my business acumen has eroded to a stubble. Resumes are cast on the wind like chaff. The irony of the situation is like a man on a yacht, lost at sea. "water water, everywhere. But not a drop to drink." The incessant search for land or another ship consumes so much of his time that he cannot appreciate the luxuries he has been provided. Fear of dehydration sours any potential comfort. Yet for all that, what can the man do. Land will come, eventually. But will it be too late. What is too late. Dropping the metaphor, I have until maybe November until we can't make a mortgage or car payment. From there, things get worse fast. Physically, I can feel the toll which once again is an irony. Never before have I had the chance to cook the proper food, exercise enough, and sleep enough all at the same time. Yet my nights are tormented by physical infirmities (purely psycho-somatic in nature) that I rarely sleep for more than five hours without waking up. My skin crawls at night. My back aches. The backs of my knees feel like someone is pulling at the tendons with a pair of vise grips. I am afraid to take analgesics because of the possibility of another episode of atrial fibrillation. Miraculously, I haven't put any weight back on. But I can no longer afford to go to the gym.

I am in a vicious cycle of procrastination. If I work around the house, I am haunted by the fact that I should be looking for work. In addition, I know that everything I do costs even more money that we don't have. But when I start looking for work, I can no longer take more than four hours before I am so demoralized that I just give up. Then there is time spent studying. I have to study for a college course and need to study for additional certifications to boost my resume. But with children in the house most of the time, I just can't focus. When I do get quiet time, my mind quickly wanders to undone housework, unfinished projects and additional effort I could put toward finding work. At the end of the day, even when I give up and turn the stinkin' tv on or read, there is no chance to relax because I am haunted by everything that needs to be done.